The Return of the Monstars


What is he even doing?

Its tough to imagine that sixteen years have passed since Michael Jordan accomplished the greatest feat in all of sports.  In 1996, in a battle for intergalactic basketball supremacy, Michael Jordan was able to jump from half court and extend his arm 47 feet to win at the last second with a slam dunk.  With this victory, earth was able to ward off a planet enslaved by neon colored, alien basketball enthusiasts who had sapped the talent out of everyone in the NBA.  The Nets were so disgusted with Shawn Bradley’s talentless play, he was traded to the Mavericks shortly after.  I think the Monstars may have forgotten Blanko had even stolen Bradley’s talent, evident by his pathetic showing against the Toon Squad*, and he ended up keeping what little talent he had stolen.

*It’s tough to imagine Shawn Bradley’s talent was overpowered by the effort of Foghorn Leghorn.  Elmer Fudd would need an eight foot vertical leap to play effective defense against the Stormin Mormon.

This was a victorious moment for earthlings, and drawings alike. We would all live to see another day, Bugs Bunny would live to eat another carrot, and Michael Jordan was able to make his triumphant return to the NBA.  None of his future victories would even come close to this accomplishment, but now it appears as though another basketball playing alien is living among us.  With Michael Jordan turning 50 next February, it seems as though aliens have hatched another plan to dominate earth through basketball.

Chris Bosh is definitely an alien.

“Greetings Earthlings…I mean, hey guys!”

Perhaps stealing talent from Amar’e Stoudemire, or Gilbert Arenas, Chris Bosh has made it to the pinnacle of the NBA.  The Monstars have clearly developed a more subtle approach to integrate their own into the league undetected by modern day testing (like Steroids in Baseball), and are undeterred by the loss they suffered at the hands of the Looney Toons.  Playing in the NBA Finals, and winning, may very well lead to this planet’s demise, as Chris Bosh will be able to take the trophy back to Moron Mountain, using its infinite power to control basketball fans, and eventually, the world.


An artist’s rendering of Chris Bosh’s original appearance

We have had scares before.  Manu Ginobli’s disgusting face has led me to believe the Spurs were under the control of “Nerdlucks,” but he ended up just being a guy with a disgusting face.


Alien, Shelden Williams, fighting for a loose ball.

Shelden Williams is most likely an alien, but his lack of skills and talent fail to strike fear into the hearts of any, except maybe his family, whom I suspect are hostages.  Sam Cassell would have been too obvious.  They may have used him as a decoy to get Chris Bosh’s career started, but now that he is retired the veil has been lifted.  We all know what is going on.

What gives me even more reason to start wearing a tin foil hat and be weary of anal probes is Russell Westbrook.  His energy and speed are not consistent with that of a human being.  Neither is his sense of style, or his facial features.  The way the Spurs had collapsed after 20 consecutive wins only leads me to believe that Tim Duncan or Tony Parker had previously implanted information from an alien abduction activated by Russell Westbrook. Clearly of a different extraterrestrial race than Chris Bosh, we may have a very serious Alien vs. Predator match up on our hands in this series. The supremely talented Lebron James and Kevin Durant are merely being used as pawns by Mr. Swackhammer, to aid his failing amusement park.  This new approach has gone undetected by the masses, and we must put a stop to aliens in the NBA before it is too late for our planet.


Many human beings wear glasses. One would think, “Oh Russell Westbrook doesn’t have 20/20 vision?” but there are no lenses, signifying his effort to pull the wool over our eyes.


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  1. Pingback: Thanks Internet! – Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays From The Sports Download and the NBA! « The Sports Download

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